Healthful Eating

Part of what makes us tick emotionally is our physical state. I believe that our responses in any given moment are driven by the complicated balance of the chemistry of our bodies combined with how it interconnects through our neural network. So in a sense, we are big complicated computer programs that are constantly being recast by our experiences, learnings, and interactions.

From Pink Floyd Eclipse:

...All that you eat
And everyone you meet
All that you slight
And everyone you fight.
All that is now
All that is gone
All that's to come
and everything under the sun is in tune..."

It follows that if we want to change outcomes in our lives, we have to change either the inputs to our body, change our body, or both (because changing the inputs changes our bodies—reprograms it).

I have written about communication, the nature of love, vacation, and other issues dealing with emotions and relationships, but only recently have I delved into the physical side, specifically diet. These have proven to be my most popular writings since I started writing Emotions for Engineers about a year ago.

After a run-in with gout right before Thanksgiving in 2007, I decided I really needed to do something about my diet. I set out on my voyage of discovery. I chanced across Gary Taubes' "Good Calories, Bad Calories" and this lecture that he gave at Berkeley. It completely changed my views on eating and diet. Since Thanksgiving, I have lost 30 lbs of mostly fat, and for the first time in my life feel in control of my body.

Why we want so much to “be thin” troubles me. Most of us have two competing emotions—love and fear—that drive our decisions. If we want to lose weight because we want to look good for our spouses, that’s love. If we think that he or she will leave us for that ditzy young secretary if we don’t lose weight, that’s fear. Eating right because you don’t want to die is fear. Eating right because you want to be active and live long to see your grandkids is love. It can only be good if eating right and being at a healthy weight helps you feel better about yourself.

Fear is a harmful emotion that is driven by unknowns and doubts. As such, when we feel out of control concerning weight and fitness, as many do, the lack of control leads to fear, which can lead to depression, anxiety, co-dependence, and other bad things (not to mention the dark side). At the foundation of all we are, is our physical health. If you can gain some degree of control over that, the world will be better. You will have less fear in your life and allow room for love and growth.

My message is to look deep and be brutally honest with yourself. M. Scott Peck says that mental health is “Commitment to reality at any cost.” Find your motivations and if they are negative, try to recast them in a positive light.

Then take control...

Disclaimer: I have done a lot of independent study on this material and believe it to be true, safe, and effective, but I am a blogger, not a doctor. I am my own guinea pig and am not recommending anything that I have not done myself. Nonetheless, everyone is different. Your mileage may vary on this. If problems develop from any recommendations, seek professional help.

It's Not About Losing Weight--It's About Losing Fat

Weighing yourself may or may not be a good indicator of progress. Our bodies are made up of muscle, fat, water, and everything else. When most people talk about losing weight, they are hoping to lose fat. Water weight is easy. You can gain or lose five pounds in a day. But then you can't repeat it the next day. If you think you're overweight and want to shrink your muscles because you're too bulky, you are kidding yourself. Those aren't muscles—that’s the marbling making you big. Shrink the muscles and you'll be left with fat.

You want to convert your body and lifestyle into one that encourages usage of fat stores for fuel and discourages storage of fat.

So here are the two steps to a more healthy relationship with food.
1. Learn how to eat right.
2. Eat right.

Education
Most people blow it at step one. They read the government's food pyramid, follow weight watchers, or just cut back on portions. That might work for some people, but not most. So here are some facts.

1. You do not need carbohydrates to live and thrive.
2. Fat is an excellent fuel for low intensity activity (99.9% of the day for most of us).
3. Dietary protein and some fats (essential fatty acids or EFAs) are necessary for good health.
4. To lose weight you have to ingest fewer calories than you burn. (No surprise).

So there's the education part. Now here’s what to do about it.
Eat Mindfully
Now that you know what you need, you have a basis for acting on it.
First, make sure you get plenty of protein (shoot for 1 gram per lb of desired body weight). If you weigh 150, this means at least 150 grams (600 calories) of protein. Lean meat has 7 grams of protein per ounce. [Edit: I think that for active people probably 0.5 to 1 gram is ok. If you are actually trying to lose weight, i.e. restricting calories, cheat towards the high end on protein. Finally, if you are very obese (e.g. more than 50% above your target weight), you might want to think more in terms of desired weight rather than current weight.].
Second, limit carbohydrates, but get plenty of vegetables. Eat non-starchy vegetables like greens, cabbage, and peppers. Generally stay away from grain products including corn, bread, and pasta. If you must eat grains, eat whole grains in limited amounts. Definitely stay away from anything with added sugar, including High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS). Limit you total grams of carbohydrate to about 50 - 100 per day (200 to 400 calories). Sadly, ironically, artificial sweeteners, although they do not hurt you from a calorie standpoint may induce an insulin response, which can slow down your metabolism or make you hungrier. If you engage in high intensity activities, you can handle higher levels of carbohydrates.
Third, make sure you get some fats, especially omega 3s (fish oil). Don't worry too much about saturated vs. unsaturated, but stay away from hydrogenated oils (trans fats). The remainder of the calories needed should come from fat and more protein. There are lots of places on the web that will help you calculate your base metabolic rate.
Fourth, eat only when you are hungry. People eat for reasons besides sustenance. Sometimes there is an emotional attachment to eating in which food is used to medicate one’s psyche. This is a type of addiction. Other times people eat because it just tastes sooooo good or they simply don’t want to waste food. If you find yourself using food for emotional support or overeating at special events, try to find a way to stop that.
Fifth, keep an eye on the scale or your measurements or some other objective measure. If you are eating as above it will be hard to gain fat. Most weight loss would be from fat. Gains would more likely be muscle than fat. If you are gaining unexpectedly, cut back on carb and fat calories. You still need a calorie deficit to lose weight. I like to look at my weight on Thursday or Friday morning because it’s right before the weekend. Keep a log or spreadsheet if you wish.
Sixth, do resistance exercises that challenge your muscles. Exercise by itself is not an effective way to lose weight for most people. You should exercise anyway. It is good for you in many ways. Resistance exercise is good for everyone. It makes you stronger and sends a chemical message to your body to maintain muscle, even as you lose weight. Lift heavy enough to challenge yourself. If you can lift a weight more than 12 times, go to a heavier weight. The word “toning” has no meaning.

Following the above, most people should be able to maintain weight. The good news is that if you do want to lose weight, most of it would be from fat, not muscle. Your body will lose its reliance on sugar as a fuel and you will start to burn fat.

Seventh, limit weight loss to what your body can support. If you want to lose weight, the amount of fat you can lose is limited by the amount of fat you carry. You can burn approximately 31 calories per pound of bodyfat (bodyfat percentage times weight, e.g. 150 lbs at 30% bodyfat is 45 pounds of fat). Restricting calories more than that will lead to loss of non-fat weight. So in the example, total calories should be no less than your daily metabolic rate minus 1395 calories). The implication is that, at 3500 calories per pound of fat, this person can lose a maximum of about 2.8 pounds per week before crossing into non-fat weight loss. As you lose fat, this loss capacity diminishes.
Eighth and last, stick to the basics until you are on the right track. Once you do that, think about more details. There is an infinite amount of information on foods and supplements that you can pursue. Grass-fed vs corn-fed beef, farmed vs wild salmon, are thermogenics (like an ephedrine-caffeine stack) ok, sodium-potassium balance, meal frequencies, food combinations, etc. These things may make a difference in the long run, but you can be overwhelmed by the details, and at the beginning these issues are probably lost in the noise for most people.

Why Does This Work?

Nobody disputes the facts in the education section. But note how little resemblance there is to the food pyramid. When people follow the food pyramid recommendations, strange things happen to the body. The excess carbohydrates (grains especially) induce an insulin response, which drives nutrients into your fat and muscle cells. After a short time you feel hungry again. Even though you may have had a big meal, your cells are starving for energy. My grandmother used to talk about foods “sticking to your ribs.” Carbs do not do that; Protein does.

The body has many compensatory mechanisms, but excess carbs throw off the homeostatic mechanisms enough to cause fat gain. It doesn’t take much. Averaging 10 calories of fat deposition per day will add a pound in a year. Until my recent weight loss effort, I had been gaining about 3 lbs per year. That is only 30 calories per day.

This low carb approach has proponents and detractors. The problem I had with the other approaches is that I would lose muscle mass and energy. My experience with low carb has been incredible. I have lost 24 lbs since Jan 1, 2008, my weight lifts have stayed the same or improved, and I have seldom felt hungry. This has been close to an automatic program for me.

Some people say that losing weight is simply willpower. I don’t believe it. With low fat-high carb diets, people set up conditions that literally starve the cells in their bodies. In this starvation lies the seed of failure. Nobody can willingly starve himself or herself indefinitely. I don’t care how much willpower you have. You can’t hold your breath to death either. There’s too much science showing that these semi-starvation diets will not work. You need to give your cells enough fuel to keep them powered with the approach outlined above, the fuel not in your diet will come mainly from the fat in your body.

Eating a lower carbohydrate diet does have some potential side effects. At times, you may deplete your body’s stores of glycogen. This is especially true if you do high intensity exercise, which needs the sugar to fuel your muscles. At these times many people feel light-headed and foggy. I get the shakes a little and get a metallic taste in my mouth. It is called ketosis. Your body will adapt to this, but many people find it uncomfortable and stop the diet. The purpose of ketosis in this plan is to convert your body from needing sugar to fuel your low intensity needs, to using fat to fuel low intensity efforts. This is what the Atkins diet does in the induction phase. Some diets have a carbohydrate refeed day to refuel muscle glycogen and help reset the body’s metabolism.

The main takeaway for you is that most people can control their physical state. It is a question of positive motivation and the knowledge of how to do it. Removing health risks will allow you to focus on higher values. That can only be good. Happy trails.

In January 2010, I updated the recommendations in this post. target="_blank" It's quite similar, but there are some insights worth considering.


Links:
Emotions For Engineers
Gary Taubes' Berkeley Lecture
Good Calories, Bad Calories Book
Lyle McDonald
Protein Power Book, Protein Power Lifeplan Book, and Blog
Cross Fit – a combination of resistance and aerobic activity – if you dare
Ketogenic Diets – Comprehensive summary of advantages
Fat Loss Troubleshooting Guide from ProjectFit.org
Recent research comparing Low Carb, Mediterranean, and Low Fat diets



The following link is to a tool that can help you measure your progress on the road to better health.

Unified Feed Theory

When I looked at the previous post on taking care of the black box, I realized that there were way too many words and concepts. It lacked an engineering elegance, so I set out to express it in a way we engineers can understand--equations and graphs.

Before I even start, I want to clarify that the focus is on losing fat, not losing weight. Basically, we are all composed of fat, muscle, water, and everything else. We can think of "everything else" as a constant. Yes, bone density can change, organ size can change, but those are outside of the scope of this topic. Water weight can be lost and gained quickly by drinking water, eating, going to the bathroom, letting yourself get dehydrated, eating carbs. It can fluctuate by 5 or more pounds in a given day. We need a minimum level of hydration. We need to compensate for those changes. That leaves fat and muscle.

In general, more muscle = good, more fat = bad, all within limits of course. So when we talk about losing weight, the focus needs to be on fat. You don't want to lose muscle, and water weight is not relevant.

So the equation, expressed in Excelese is
DeltaBF = MIN ( MAX ( deltaE, -31.5 * lbs. body fat), k + f (Max(0, carbs in - 50)))

where:
deltaE is simply calories in - calories out (be careful, it's not quite that simple though).
lbs. body fat is weight * % body fat.
f (carbs in-50) is the slope of the upper limit on fat deposition related to the biochemical need of spent carbs in your system to store fat in your fat cells after allowing for 50 grams to fuel the brain.
k is some amount of body fat that can be deposited even on a zero carb diet through alternate biochemical pathways.

Lower Limit on Delta(FatDeposition)
A recent paper called "A limit on the energy transfer rate from the human fat store in hypophagia" helps us begin to understand how much fat we can take off in a given day. This estimates the amount of energy that can be removed from fat to fuel your body. The answer is (290+/-25) kJ/kgd.

Converting 290 *(239 calories/kJ)*(1Calorie/1000calories)*(1kg/2.2lb)= 31.5 Cal/lb fat +/-2.7

This effectively sets a limit on the maximum amount of fat you can burn each day with moderate activity and no steroids. It may be possible to lose more fat with activity because of the hormones excreted by that activity, but it seems like a reasonable way to think about it.

Note: As you lose body fat, the amount of fat you can lose in a day will decrease. Consider a 200 lb guy with 20% body fat. He is carrying 40 lbs of fat. So if he cuts his food intake by 1240 calories per day below basal metabolic rate, he can lose that much fat per day without eating into his muscle (lean body mass or LBM). Once he loses 10 lbs. of body fat, for example, he must limit his intake cut to 930 calories. Other metabolic changes are likely happening, for example, with cut in intake metabolism slows down, so that adjustment needs to be considered as well.

Upper Limit on Delta(FatDeposition)
The other day, I saw something on a blog. The author said something like, "If you're low carbin', calories aren't important. If you're low fattin', calories count."

For the low carb-ingestion cases, you can gain weight by eating lots of calories, but your body adapts to the high calories by upping your metabolism and giving you a sense of high energy. Even though ingesting low-carb, you will put on fat through some alternative metabolic pathways. It's just not as fast.

As you increase the amount of carbs that you eat. You open up a more efficient pathway for fat conversion. Your body uses the spent carbs to create triglyceride molecules. This is the primary storage form of fat. The slope of the line is a ratio of fat to carbs in a triglyceride molecule. I don't have that number.

The Ratchet Effect

You all know how a ratchet wrench works. It has a gear and a pawl, which prevent the socket from moving backwards. Its analog in electronics is a diode and in plumbing a check valve.

Simplified, biochemically you can store excess fat only if there are spent glucose molecules in your system. That is a well known, undisputed fact. So if you do not have spent glucose molecules, you can't store fat. Your body does not have a way to transport fats in your bloodstream into the fat cells. Your fat cells acts like a ratchet. It lets fat out if you are eating less than you burn, but if you eat more than you burn, your body has to find some other way to get rid of the fat (increasing your metabolism, fidgeting, pushing you out of your seat).

This is why if you're not eating any carbs, calories don't matter much. At worst, no fat leaves the fat cells. You can't get fatter.

The delta E Trap
What you lose is equal to what you eat minus what you burn. Burn more than you eat you lose weight; eat more than you burn you gain weight.

DeltaE is a common way of thinking about weight loss. It is a true relationship, but there is complexity in the relationship between the composition of what you eat and delta E. In fact, there is reason to believe that what you eat, more than simply being an independent variable is actually a driver of deltaE. I think the basic energy equation should be written as
E(out) = E(in) - deltaE. In fact, it is perhaps better to think of it as a giant feedback loop, because the calories you eat actually alter your metabolism as well over time.

E (in)
We as a society often see obese people and think that they have no willpower. They must be either pigs (gluttons) or lazy (sloths). But they are no different than any of us. When they feel hunger they eat, when they have energy they play. Let's think about this. People eat because a. they feel hungry or b. social pressures or pleasure. Hunger is not a character defect. We all know obese people who do not eat much, but stay obese anyway. What is the driver there? Something is altering the energy balance away from the balance that leaner people have.

In general, if you don't feel hungry, you should not eat. Your body's cells do not need anything in that moment. If is likely that sustenance will be stored as fat. The key is to eat right so you don't feel hungry before you need the sustenance.

Delta E
When you eat carbohydrates, especially simple carbs like sugar, white rice, or white flour, your blood sugar increases. This causes your body to put out insulin to regulate blood sugar. It does this by pushing that sugar into your cells, where it can be used for fuel. At the end the spent glucose then allows for deposition of fat into fat cells.

Now because the insulin has swept your blood clean of sugar, you begin to feel hungry. If you respond by eating carbs, the cycle starts again. The fundamental issue is that your body really wants to store carbs for later.

Repeat this, as we tend to with a Standard American Diet (SAD), and your muscles become resistant to the effects of insulin. You need more and more sugar to fuel yourself. Your body has trouble using its fat stores for fuel. This drives deltaE up and therefore E(Out) down. You gain weight.

You do not need carbohydrates to survive, your body will convert protein to sugar and use fat for fuel, but you want to ingest some carbohydrates to prevent the conversion of muscle into sugar (gluconeogenesis), as well as to prevent the feeling of foggy headedness that some people get when they eat low-carb. Lyle McDonald estimates a minimum of 50 - 100 g of carbs per day is good, more if you're doing resistance training.

Low Fat Enhances Storage of Fat

If you're on a low fat diet, it's different. In order to maintain your calories, you will likely be eating lots of carbs. This will then leave lots of spent carbs laying around in your bloodstream to hook up with those fatty acids. So if you are eating less than you're burning, you will lose weight. If you are eating more than you're burning, your body will push the excess into your fat cells.

Mindful Eating
At the end of the day, if you are paying attention to your weight, you can, in theory, lose weight by simple willpower. Those who have hormonal and enzyme issues, such as insulin resistance will have a more difficult time of it unless they eat right. For most of us though, we do not obsess over every calorie or gram that we eat. So we need a more automatic method. For me, limiting carbs has been a pretty reasonable automatic method. I have felt stronger than I have before when limiting calories and so far have lost almost 40 pounds.

But even with low carbs you have to eat mindfully. Eat only when you're hungry. Limit sweets. Pass up the cake at the company function. It's too easy to fall back into bad habits.

References:
Protein Power
BodyRecomposition

The following link is to a tool that can help you measure your progress on the road to better health.

Take Care of the Black Box - Eat Right

In previous posts, I referred to your body as a black box or a bag o' chemicals. The idea is that whatever you think, whatever you do, whatever actions you take or words you speak are initiated by chemical reactions in your body.

It is an easy step to go from there to ...therefore, a healthy body gives you a healthy mind.

I have recently had an intense focus on getting my body to a healthier state. There are two parts to that: diet and exercise. This post is about diet.

A recent book, Good Calories, Bad Calories by Gary Taubes has rocked my world.

Taubes has researched and documented the history of obesity and nutritional research since the mid 1800s. What he has revealed in the book is the likely cause of the slow motion train wreck of obesity and diabetes in the United States.

As you can see in the maps to the right, the incidence of obesity in the US has increased greatly since 1991. Diabetes, hypertension, and other chronic syndromes have followed similar trajectories.

Taubes has documented how and when the thinking about good diet changed from the idea that carbohydrates (especially highly processed carbohydrates) make you fat, to the current concept that carbohydrates are good for you.

On the line graph, obesity increases starting in the mid-1970s when George McGovern announced the publication of "Dietary Goals for the United States." This publication marked the beginning of the carbohydrate age. The American Heart Association began pushing a low fat, low cholesterol diet, and the USDA did the same.

In recent years, there has been an important paradigm, that weight change/obesity is driven simply by calories in minus calories out. Proponents of this paradigm cite the first law of thermodynamics. Their thinking is that energy in (what you eat) and energy out (what you use) are the independent variables with delta E being the simple difference between the two.

Taubes contends, with an enormous amount of reference material, that the composition of your diet actually drives the delta E, then your body does what it needs to do in order to either "force" you to eat more (by triggering hunger pangs for example) or by changing your base metabolism or activity levels. The laws of thermodynamics still apply. It's just that your body changes its requirements dynamically. In this model, obesity is not a failure of willpower or laziness (gluttony and sloth), but rather a biological imperative. It treats the body and metabolism as not just a calorie counter, but as a metabolically active organism. This perspective is more consistent with the results of multitudes of studies than the inert metabolically static model.

This bothers many people, because their belief is that obese people just don't care about themselves. Nothing could be further from the truth. We all know overweight people who eat tremendously low calorie diets and are unable to lose weight. Of course even when they go off the diet, they gain it right back and more.

Nutritionists have long known the following: Carbohydrate consumption drives insulin secretion. They also know that Insulin secretion drive fat deposition. These are known facts. As engineers you know that this is logically equivalent to "Carbohydrate consumption drives fat deposition."

So eating that tends to drive insulin secretion will tend to cause deposition of fat. This is known and has been known for a very long time.

In general, all else being equal, lower calorie intake will result in lower body weight. In an uncontrolled caloric environment (i.e. the real world), higher levels of carbohydrate ingestion will trigger an insulin response in your body, which will then leave your body craving more food. Repeat this many time and the cells of your body become insulin resistant, which will drive higher levels of insulin secretion. This leads eventually to metabolic syndrome, symptoms of which are diabetes, high blood pressure, central obesity, decreased HDL level, and elevated triglycerides. You can also get increased uric acid levels in your system, which can lead to gout.

The point is not strictly that carbohydrates are bad for you, but rather that the people who have been claiming that carbohydrates are good for you have done that without regard for basic scientific principles. And by the way, there is a preponderance of evidence that indicates that excessive carbohydrates are bad for you.

E4E's Advice

I had gained almost three pounds per year since I graduated from college in 1979. I have tried diets from time to time as well as exercise. What I found was that when I would try to do both, after a short time, it was really hard for me to exercise. I would become sluggish and feel unmotivated.

In late 2007, I decided to learn about this stuff and really make an effort to become a better animal by becoming more fit and losing body fat (not just losing weight). A bout with gout right before Thanksgiving really motivated me to learn about nutrition.

I started digging into website of people that I was familiar with. One of the first was Lyle McDonald's body recompostion website. Lyle is a science nerd who really likes to pore through research and extract the relevant and important information. This was a really good start. I learned a few things on this. First make sure you get enough protein. Try to consume at least 1 gram of protein per lb of body weight (this is a lot of protein). Second, you can cut up to 31 calories per pound of body fat out of your diet and lose minimal lean body mass.

From there I found several paths:

This Gary Taubes lecture at Berkeley contains the basics of what is in Good Calories, Bad Calories.

Paleo diet websites - These are all a little different in what they consider to be appropriate diet. I think they all favor lower carbohydrates (especially no grains).
The Paleo Diet has a lot of the science
Paleo Recipes recipes that follow a gluten-free philosophy
My Paleo Kitchen heavy on vegetables, fruits, and meats


Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or trained nutritionist. If you are contemplating changes in your diet or exercise, you should first check with a doctor. I also recommend that you learn about fat and carbohydrate metabolism, as I suspect that many doctors are not up to date on all those topics. Remember in all this, your mileage may vary.

Having said that, my basic conclusions from all of this are as follows:

1. Exercise is good for you, but it will not be the biggest driver of weight loss. It is important for your health and well-being to do both aerobic, resistance, and flexibility training.

2. Diet is an important source of good health and weight loss, so...
a. Eat plenty of protein. Somewhere around 1 gram of protein per pound of weight seems like a good number. (note: if you have problems with your kidneys, check with your doctor first).
b. Eating fat is OK. Stay away from trans fats generally.
c. If you are trying to lose weight, cut back on (primarily) carbohydrates to the tune of about 31 calories per pound of body fat. In my case, when I started out I was about 230 lbs at 20% bodyfat. I cut about 1200 calories per day. I could have cut more (230 * 20% * 31 = 1426), but this seems to be working. I'm losing so far about a pound per week, with very little decrease in my resistance training abilities. So far I'm down about 20 lbs. Use a Tanita scale or get a fat caliper measurement to determine your body fat.
d. Do not add sugar to food, stay away from sweets in general, and do not drink sweetened soft drinks. Even artificial sweeteners can elicit an insulin response.
e. When you do eat carbohydrates, generally try to stick to vegetables and fruit. Nuts are OK too (not sugared ones though).

So, take care of your body, and keep yourself in a place where you want to be physically. If you do that you will have a better chance of being emotionally healthy as well.

ABC or ABC

Many of you are probably familiar with the ABC framework for analyzing behaviors. ABC stands for Antecedent, Behavior, Consequences.

The basic idea is that Behaviors are a feedback system, mainly between Behaviors and Consequences.

A possibly useful way of looking at our responses to our emotions is the other ABC framework laid out by Albert Ellis, which I found in the book, How to Be An Adult by David Richo. "A" stands for activation, "B" is Beliefs, and "C" is consequences. It has to do with the topic of "owning your feelings" and anger. From my perspective owning your feelings means to understand where those feelings come from and responding to them appropriately. Understanding where the feelings come from is the key.

If we take our communication diagram from a previous post, we can group this ABC quite nicely in that framework.

Consider a situation in which you are driving down the freeway minding your own business, when suddenly, someone zooms past you and cuts right in front of you (Activation). You're ticked off, angry that this guy would cut you off, so you make some naughty hand gesture (Consequence). You might say that you are mad because he cut you off. In the ABC framework, the anger is not caused by being cut off, but rather by your belief as to his motives. In your belief system, people who cut you off are jerks.

Would you see it differently if you knew that his daughter was bleeding to death in the front seat and he was rushing her to the hospiital? If that were the case, your feeling might be one of pity rather than anger and you would move out of the way willingly.

This is closely related to the Fundamental Attribution Error (a very common bias), in which we attribute bad motives to others when we do not know their motives. A nice definition from Wikipedia is that people have an unjustified tendency to assume that a person's actions depend on what "kind" of person that person is rather than on the social and environmental forces influencing the person. Overattribution is less likely, perhaps even inverted, when people explain their own behavior.

This is a variation on the standard communication flow. The difference being that the message is often sent by an action. So when you feel a strong emotion over what someone has done, try to examine your beliefs and preconceptions, then verify with feedback before you respond. People often have very different motives than we attribute to them.

More on Communication

A cognitive bias that most people have is confirmation bias. When we see something that conforms to our beliefs, we think it is brilliant. When something doesn't conform to our beliefs, we think it's wrong.

I stumbled across this brilliant web page today. The title is "Relationship Fix: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You." I like it mainly because it is consistent with some of my previous posts on communication. They have a nice spin on it though. They say, "When you speak the unarguable people don't argue."

Stick with your emotions and feelings, not their problems. If I say "I feel sick to my stomach," you can't argue. If I say, "Your idiocy makes me sick to my stomach." you might have something to say.

They also put out the concept of "feeling zones." It's a way to link your feelings with physical manifestation of the feelings.

• Zone 1 is made up of your neck, shoulders and mid-back. When you’re tense in this zone it’s because you’re holding onto anger you haven’t communicated.

• Zone 2 is your throat and chest. This zone tells you when you’re feeling sad by signaling you with constriction (“lump in the throat”) and a sense of heaviness.

• Zone 3 is your stomach and beltline area. Tension and racy-queasy sensations (“butterflies”) tell you that you’re scared.

So hold me guilty of confirmation bias, but I have yet to see any argument that makes the case that it is a good idea in a relationship to point the finger and blame.

In Praise of Joy Toys - Asa Baber

Warning: The following is R-rated due to sexual content

Asa Baber was a columnist for Playboy magazine for many years. I used to read his "Men" column, as well as the stories he wrote. He wrote about many issues related to men: their rights, responsibilities, growing up, etc. His writing was always provocative and usually spot on.

He wrote a column in the June 1994 Playboy that had a huge impact on the way I think about sex. Not the mechanics of it or the squishy making love side, but more a philosophy of mutual pleasuring.

In summary, he says that men should remove the ego from lovemaking, and put the focus on their partner rather than using sex to prove their physical prowess or soothe their ego. He says it much better than I ever could, so I won't say more about it.

I'm not sure exactly how this ties in to Emotions for Engineers except to say that engineering is a predominantly male profession, sex is a part of many love relationships, so we might as well do it right. Besides, I wanted to have this as part of my own "FAQ."

I searched all over the internet for the article (I wasn't sure which month and year) and finally found it. It wasn't even available on Playboy's website (I would have preferred to link to them). So I have reproduced the article here.

Enjoy.

MEN

In Praise of Joy Toys
by Asa Baber
Playboy Magazine
June, 1994

After you and your partner are through making love, and after she has complimented you on your sexual prowess and praised Mr. Happy for the way he has taken care of business, and after she has given your satiated weenie a final kiss and turned over and pretended to go to sleep, are you so foolish and naive as to have believed her terms of endearment?

I’ll bet you are. Admit it: You love I when a woman praises your talents. “Way to go dickmeister,” you say to yourself with a smile. The smile of a self-satisfied lover that is.

I don’t want to ruin your day Space Captain, but allow me to ask you a few questions:

• Once in a while, does the mattress seem to jiggle as you fall asleep after sex? And do you ever ask yourself, “If that’s not an earthquake, then what’s causing those mysterious vibrations?”

• After making love does she periodically go into the bathroom and take a long shower with that complicated showerhead she bought last year? And does she perhaps sleep a little late the next morning?

• After she has praised you and treasured you, do you wake up a few minutes later to find her gone?Do you then hear a subterranean hum emanating from the living room?

• When you turn on the light by the bed after she has gotten up at night, does the electricity surge, and are there cries of pleasure from the basement?

• When sorting through the mail, do you come across personal letters to her from your utility company that say: “Thank you for your excessive use of our services. We consider you one of our most highly valued customers.”

You get where I’m going with this, don’t you? If you really believe the gold dust that your lover sprinkles on your pillow at night, check your gullibility factor in the morning. Because you are clearly a self-deceived man who has forgotten one of life’s most important rules. I’m talking about the Always Three In Bed Rule, of course. Read it and apply it and your life will change for the better.

The Always Three In Bed Rule reads as follows: “You shall not make love with any woman without understanding that she will often be more orgasmic than you are. Therefore, you will have at least one vibrator in bed with you and your companion at all times to join the two of you while you play and to take over when you need a break. Furthermore, you shall not be embarrassed or threatened but shall instead adopt your vibrating ally as an equal partner and encourage your lover to use it on herself (and on you too if she remembers you are there) whenever and however she chooses.”

This rule applies especially during your downtime, when you can only lie there and and watch in amazement at the female capacity for numerous and continual orgasms. Remember, the central operating principle of the Always Three In Bed Rule: The couple that vibrates together stays together.

It is time for us to accept the fact that women are capable of more orgasms than we are. We think we’re hot stuff if we come a couple times a night. But on their hornier nights, women view their first orgasms as nothing but foreplay, and they are secretly looking around and wishing for more.

Given that fact, we should encourage women to bring their joy toys out of the closet and into the open bed. Let us offer praise to those pulsating love probes. They prove that while a man’s dick may sometimes droop, his ministrations can go on forever. They are our pinch hitters and friends. So roll over, red Rover, and let the vibrators take over.

Rare is the sexually sophisticated woman who does not have several types of toys to play with. These include:

The penis shaped vibrator. Be brave, be humble, be bold; take her to an adult bookstore and let her buy the size she wants. You’ll learn a lot about her when you do this, I promise. And if, as you leave the store she tries to reassure you by saying, “Size doesn’t count,” let her get away with that lie.

Clitoral stimulators. Known in some circles as the tired-man’s accomplice, these vibrators are small and handy. They are also great for her to use during intercourse. Snuggle up behind her, slip into her love nest and hang on for your life.

In response to demand, many stores now sell vibrators of all shapes and sizes. You can buy ultrasound vibrators, two-headed vibrators, infrared vibrators,. You can buy dildos that throb, and dildos that thrust. There is a cornucopia of joy toys for you and your lover to experiment with, and she will respect you in the morning if you allow her to satisfy herself at night. I have a theory about the nature of the lives of men and women. I can’t prove it, but I suspect that the anger some women have displayed toward us is, in part, a sexual anger. They are telling us that we have not taken the time to understand their bodies or their needs. And if that theory is true, it is also correctable.

Many years ago in the bedroom of a young woman in Berlin, I was making youthful love with what I thought was skill and abandon. My partner seemed to be enjoying herself, and after several orgasms, I lay back in a satiated state of mind and body.

“Ace, I have a machine that always lets me finish many times,” my partner said to me with some shyness.

“Be my guest,” I said. I watched while she played, and when I had my strength back, I joined her. It was one of the most exciting and educational evenings of my life.

“Be my guest,” you shall say. “Come. And come again All night long, if you choose. Because that’s what our mutual joy toys are all about.”


Online sex toy shops

Libida
Babeland
Good Vibrations